My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
