my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
