We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
