Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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