you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
