I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
