I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
