Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
