I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
