party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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