My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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