I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
