just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
