i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
