you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
