TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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