i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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