I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
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alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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