I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She announced her abortion via fbk
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i drank out of a bidet.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
