just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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