i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
