i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
