the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
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Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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