When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
