Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
