help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
