Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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