He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
