When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Shame is for Republicans.
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