We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
