Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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