we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
