spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
