Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
