I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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