First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
