If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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