Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
