he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
