so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
