A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
