just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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