Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
