Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
