mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
