Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
