Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
