A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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