I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
