I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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