Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
