Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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