So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
