I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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