She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
