Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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